Someone recently asked me what I think about homeschooling. I’ll start by admitting that whatever I say here, people will read it and see what they want to see.
You know the story of the blind men and the elephant. One grabs the trunk and says, “It’s a snake.” One touches the leg and says, “It’s a tree.” One feels the tail and announces, “It’s a rope,” then goes on Facebook and writes a 900-word comment about it.
This post is the elephant. Some of you will grab the trunk and decide I’m attacking working moms. Some will grab the leg and decide I’m recruiting for a homeschool co-op that meets in a church basement and only bakes sourdough. Some of you will grab the tail, and I can’t help you.
So I’ll say it up front, in plain English, before anyone starts drafting angry emails: I understand that some families have to work. I understand that some families want to work. Both are legitimate. Rent exists. Groceries exist. Some parents love their careers, and their kids are better off because of it. I’ve said this over and over on this blog. A parent who works isn’t a bad parent. A parent who stays home isn’t a saint who descended on a cloud carrying organic snacks.
Disclaimer done. Now for the part that will get me in trouble. The Happiest Parents Are the Ones I Never See
Believe it or not, the happiest parents in my practice are the ones I see the least. That’s a strange thing for a pediatrician to say. My whole job runs on seeing children. Seeing your child is basically how I pay for my car. Yet the families I see least often tend to have one thing in common: a parent stays home with the kids. Their kids aren’t in my office every other Tuesday with a fever, a cough, and a mystery rash that “just showed up this morning.” They come in for well visits. They get their vaccines. They grow and develop and say something precocious about dinosaurs. Then they leave, and I don’t see them again for months.
From a business standpoint, these families are terrible for me. From a pediatric standpoint, they’re the goal.
The Germ Buffet Is Real
Let’s talk about why. If you’ve ever sent a toddler to daycare, you know the routine. Week one, your child gets a cold. Week two, a different cold. Week three, an ear infection, conjunctivitis, and a stomach bug that takes out the whole house, including the dog, who doesn’t even go to daycare. This isn’t because daycare is bad. Group settings are germ buffets, and toddlers are enthusiastic diners. They lick toys, share sippy cups, wipe their noses on their sleeves, then wipe their sleeves on their friends. Twenty little immune systems trading viruses like baseball cards.
A child at home with a parent just doesn’t sit at that buffet as often. Fewer exposures mean fewer sick visits, fewer missed days, fewer 2 a.m. thermometer readings, and fewer conversations with me about why antibiotics won’t fix a virus. (They won’t. Still no. I’ll keep saying it.)
One Hundred Percent Involved
The less obvious part is involvement, and in my experience it matters more than the germs. The stay-at-home parents I see are one hundred percent involved. They know when their child last pooped, what color it was, and whether it seemed emotionally fulfilled. They know which kid in the neighborhood is a bad influence. They know their child’s sleep schedule down to the minute because they built it, defended it, and would fight a bear to protect it. That kind of involvement shows up in the exam room.
In my experience, these kids tend to have fewer behavioral problems. I see fewer attention complaints. I see fewer anxiety and mood concerns. They’re well adjusted. They can look an adult in the eye, answer a question, and sit through an ear exam without turning it into a hostage negotiation. I’ll be honest about the elephant again here. This is what I see from my side of the exam table, not a randomized controlled trial. Families who can afford for one parent to stay home often have other advantages too: more financial stability, more support, less chaos. Nobody can untangle all of that in a fifteen minute visit.
Correlation isn’t causation, and I’m not about to tell a single mom working two jobs that she gave her kid ADHD. That isn’t how ADHD works, and it isn’t how decent people talk. The pattern is real enough that I notice it, though. And I’ve been noticing it for a long time.
They Know What Their Parents Gave Up
Here’s the part that gets me every time. These kids usually understand what their parents gave up for them. They know Mom left a career, or Dad turned down the promotion, or the family drives the minivan with 212,000 miles on it so someone could be home. They may not say it at age six. By age twelve or fifteen, most of them get it. That understanding shapes them. It’s hard to feel like an afterthought when someone rearranged their whole life around you. Kids who feel like a priority tend to act like people worth investing in. Parenting isn’t magic. It’s mostly attention, delivered over and over for eighteen years, frequently while someone is screaming about the wrong color cup.
So, What About Homeschooling?
Back to the original question. Homeschooling isn’t automatically better, and it isn’t automatically worse. It’s a tool. In the hands of a parent who is engaged, organized, and willing to make sure their child has real social connections, it can be wonderful. In the hands of someone who thinks “socialization” means watching YouTube with a cousin twice a year, it can be a disaster with a curriculum attached. What I actually value is less about the school building and more about the parent. The involvement. The presence. The decision to make the child the center of the plan instead of something squeezed in around it. You can do that while homeschooling. You can do it while staying home and sending your kids to public school. And, yes, plenty of working parents do it brilliantly, squeezing every ounce of presence out of evenings, weekends, and the car ride to soccer.
If your family’s situation allows one parent to stay home, my unfiltered opinion is that it’s one of the best gifts you can give a child. It’s also one of the hardest. If your situation doesn’t allow it, that’s okay. Show up as fully as you can with the time you have.
Either way, I hope I don’t see you very often. That’s a compliment.
This post is for educational purposes only and isn’t a substitute for individualized medical advice. Talk with your child’s pediatrician about your family’s specific health and developmental needs.